How important is Emotional Intelligence Skills (EQ) for Caretakers, who take care of Behaviorally, Physically and Psychologically Compromised family members
To understand what happens when you interact with family members who have a behavioral or psychological issue...
First you may have to understand what happens within you when you interact normally with anyone
Three things happen
1. The voice, tone and words of the other person along with his emotions trigger a series of emotions and thoughts within you creating an energetic change. This is one reason you like to be with certain people or also tend to avoid certain people. If the energy shift and emotions within you are pleasant authentically you may want to spend more time with them. If not you may wish to avoid.
2 Based on what happens within you you generate a response that be be more enhancing the quality of your emotions or thoughts. If the person you interact with generates a set of emotions that are not conducive, which can happen mostly when the family member behaves abnormally you develop certain opinions, thoughts and energetic-emotional patterns that are more restrictive. You may either become defensive or offensive.
When you become offensive you may engage in a verbal battle or if you become defensive you play the victim role.
3. When this continues for a long time then these become a patterned behavior. Especially when we know that this may be long term and I cannot expect much, your unconscious internal responses become more conditioned, mechanical and patterned.
There could a smile in the exterior but internally you may carry the sadness which is natural.
There are many types of responses which parents and spouses develop as a pattern and keep on exhibiting them which also patterns the psyche of the family member who is taken care of.
1. Given up pattern: This is what I can do and this is what I can expect from him or her
2. Expectation: When they show some signs of improvement or when there are less episodes of an acute challenge, the expectation grows and wants more out of them
Examples of Verbal and Non-Verbal Behavioral Patterns exhibited by caretakers
Compulsive Non Verbal behavior patterns exhibited by care takers
- Blank, Non responsive state that shows up in face, skin and body language
- Excessive smiling and other restless behaviors to normalize the situation
- Excessive caretaking leading to doing work which the affected member can do, but slowly, becoming over protective, and sometimes even speaking on their behalf
- Overprotection
Compulsive Verbal Behavior patterns exhibited by Caretakers
- He is so good and progressing very well. He is very normal
- Blaming, Since she is like this...., I cannot do this
- Naming: He is slow, He is an introvert/extrovert, She does not speak much or she speaks excessively etc. All this is done for various reasons but these trigger the affected person badly.
- Reactionary Shouting back or becoming unresponsive
Inner emotions that get suppressed leading to Emotional Imbalance and Inaction
- Sadness
- Fear of future, What will happen to him/her in future, What will happen to me if this continues, what will happen to children etc
- Anger and Frustration - Why is this happening to me/ Us
- Self-Blaming: What wrong did I do?
- Divided mind and Conflicting emotions. It could be just an inner hope that prevails with less effective action
In either of the above situation the exhibited behavior of the parent is different from what one undergoes within.
While there it nothing right or wrong about any of them, the mechanical life with inner sadness causes more harm to the care taker, to the patient and also to other family members. Especially when siblings of the patient watch how the parents react or if children watch how their mom or dad react to what is happening their minds also get split.
Though more parents or spouses seem to have adjusted to the situation and seem ok the internal chaos continues which is compensated by over working, over binging in certain indulgent habits that includes socializing, taking more or extra care of the patient, or even succumbing to the victim or aggressor role within themselves.
EQ, Emotional Intelligence happens with Training and Practicing consciously in simulated and then real life situations
How do we make the situation healthy for everyone involved?
Emotional intelligence begins accurate emotional awareness. Awareness of the emotional and energetic change that happens within. .
Then comes thought awareness. Awareness of what thoughts arise instantly as a result of the energetic change.
Third step is bring back the internal balance with the current goal and overall goal in mind.
Fourth step is to regulate emotions and thoughts that can lead to the goal
Fifth step is to respond mindfully with the goal in mind
Is this practically possible? Yes and No
Yes, if you commit for protecting yourself from the emotional and thought assaults that happen within you every time you interact with the affected person get triggered
You may suppress them as most people do, but the intensity of suppression is high within you are you are dealing with members on a daily basis who can get emotionally charged. This suppression can affect your emotional, physical and social health.
Second, your external behavior may become more compensating and unauthentic as the divide between what happens within you and what you express are different.
Third, this can lead to more complications over a period of time. There is a overall given up attitude and negativity that seems to engulf the whole space which becomes very difficult to digest.
It affects siblings and children too as they copy.
As a family the downward spiral may seem unending.
The consequence of not learning the art is that patterns of each member in the family, yours-others and the affected person get intensified unconsciously.
As a caretaker the most logical reason to undergo training is that you are more sane than the affected person. So you can bring about change more easily by bring out change within yourself than the other can bring about within them. The most affected member may not be able to understand and wanting them to change may be actually be very overwhelming for them, especially when do not have a model to copy.
Benefits of getting trained on Emotional Intelligence
What ever be your role, you can live a more authentic richer and fuller life.
When you take care of your emotions better, when you manage your emotions better the affected member can copy your behavior. This can lead to a natural change.
Yes, emotional balance within you can bring about profound change in the affected family member as they can easily copy your authentic patterns of becoming more emotionally aware. Especially if the affected member is a child, parents to get trained can bring about lot of positive influence on the child and bring about change.
Third you can make the process if change happen within you and also in the other. The mental-emotional-psychological space is co-created between you, other family members and the affected person. When you learn the apply the skills better you can create a healing space that can help you and everyone involved.