Teenage Counselling

I want my child to Change.

Teenage Counselling and Common mistakes that parents can avoid to make the change happen quick and fast...

The most damaging questions parents can ask their child after counselling session is , 'How are you feeling after therapy?" - "Is the therapist ok" - "Your feedback is important because we are paying fees for the session' - " Share all that you want to the therapist. He is there to solve your problem" 

These questions come out of the assumption that child will give a authentic opinion to the parents and that relations between them and their child are good enough to have a frank discussion. In most cases the root cause of the problem is the anger and frustration the child has on the parents. So such questions complicate the process further and delays progress.

Teenage Counselling

As a parent how will I know what is happening? How will I know the progress? What should I ask? How do I approach?

How do I approach? How can I participate in the process?

First to know if the therapist is effective or not, the ideal is to invest two to three sessions on oneself with the therapist.

This will help in many ways:

  1. You will get a first hand experience of what therapy or counseling is. When you experience it well then you can make the right choice.

  2. Two to three deep sessions using hypnotherapy with cognitive counseling sessions spaced in between should be sufficient to bring about a good inner shift in you and your child also.

Very few parents are aware of the power they have over their children. A child is always a child toward their parents deep in. There always exists a love-hate relationship as there is nothing called as 'the ideal parent or parenting". It is always possible to bring about change if we take a right approach.

The mind of the child copies the mind of the parents at an existential unconscious level. 

When I say that the mind of the child copies the mind of the parent, I also mean that when the mental wavelength of the parent changes; when the healing gets initiated in the parent, the same happens in the child too, non verbally, unconsciously.

This is not understood because we are used to a culture of sending child to school and college for education. What we forget is that, that is intellectual education and internal transformation of the child is a co-creative process between the child and the parent. The child and the parents co-create a reality together, no matter what age!

As long as the child is dependent on you and you take ownership to the fact that you play a significant - powerful - influential role in his or her success and failure; strengths and weakness; Good and bad then changing the child becomes easy. 

But the catch is most parents assume that they will just play a supervisory role in therapy, expecting therapy or the therapist will use a magic wand to bring about change. Just like they expect the school to infuse knowledge while they sit and do their work. This may not work here as it is an relationship between parent and child is intimate and multilayered. 
Actually in proper therapy, the counsellor or therapist may need to fill the needs that have been unhealthy and unfulfilled between the parent and the child and then facilitate healthy separation so the child becomes whole by oneself.

This is true even in adult counselling, coaching and therapeutic process. Each of us carry an unfulfilled child - parent need within us. We seek fulfillment of that throughout life. In therapy this is resolved.

Coming back to the topic of how to change my child, we should also be aware that even in school education where the focus is to get marks, no matter what the teacher teaches, its the environment at home that nurtures the growth and performance at school. Even if child is in a boarding school, all the strengths built in school can be rendered useless by two days of home visits. This is because parents are the core of the child's heart and you can never disown that.

While I understand the intention and need behind the statement, “ I am ready to spend any amount of money, please change him or her', this statement should also be added by the words, "I am also ready to participate in the process'

The unwillingness to give themselves into the process is an indication that they do not want to change themselves. But their child alone has to change. 

Children in such cases feel more guilty, more isolated as they think they are a problem.

When the child irrespective of age and marital status is dependent for basic survival security, i.e. money, and shelter from their parents the expectation may take lot of time and energy to be fulfilled. Sometimes it may complicate as unhealed parents complicate the transformation process itself.

I emphasize these points repeatedly because when these two are guaranteed, adults rarely change because there is not internal motivation to change. Secondly today many parents have enough wealth to feed their children and even their grand children for their life time. If that is the case it is important that we begin first with parents.

Hence if your child is above the age of 20 or so, and is not involving in life appropriately to become independent, then it is time to begin with your healing first rather than asking therapy for your child.

The Reality to be realized when we work to bring about change in children is...

A child can know ten different languages while their parent can know only one.

 A child may be a PhD in science or management while the parent may have nil academic qualifications

But there is no way a child can be happy when the parents are not happy.

A Child can never be calm and at peace when there parents are struggling with their emotions.

A child cannot be happy with his or her relationships when they have seen poor relationship behavior between their parents.

A child cannot be happy when they have grown up seeing their parents, caretakers struggle with their own emotions.

Even if you reflect at your life, you may be materially richer or more educated than parents. But not happier than them.

The second most common mistake parents make and then pay for throughout their life is this -  'Making they child know that they are sacrificing their lives for the benefit of their children'

I am struggling for your benefit

All for your sake - movie type statements.

Not knowing that child picks up the suffering as a way of life for themselves too and sometimes the inner child sits with a vengeance

This happens because most are unaware that the mind absorbs all and everything in totality. Nothing in parts.

This ‘ My life has gone in suffering. At least you be happy’

“ everything i do is only for your good. But see you are not understanding’ does not work

Children become more stiffer and less compliant.

Quickest and Fastest way to get the plans they have for their children happen

  1. Expecting counseling to work like a magic wand - to repair all the wounds of the past instantly 

  2. Child will heal and will listen to what parents say and also adhere to the plans

  3. Expecting children to change without any initiative to change or participation from the end of parents or caretakers

The truth is it is these expectations that have been and are the root causes of the problem itself; Change then has to be initiated properly from the parents and children. And in most cases it has to start from parents first, which very few realize or are ready for.